All posts by crystalspayne

How to Tell if You’re Ratchet

There are two simple steps to becoming ratchet:

1) Turn off your ability to be ashamed

2) Watch more reality TV

In any order.

These days, the word “ratchet” is being thrown about quite often, and some people are confused… What is this ratchet, they think to themselves, and is they contagious?

The truth about the matter is no one really thinks they are ratchet. They see other people and are positive they have identified the personification of ratchet, but refuse to see themselves as a part of the team.

So how do you go about identifying ratchet people or ensuring that you stay out of that subset of people?

Maybe you thought only black people were ratchet?

nope

1) First, realize that ratchet-ness transcends skin color. People can be white and ratchet, yellow (shout out to my ratchet Asian friend), team lightandbrightskinned or team nubianqueen and ratchet.

2) Look at their/ your hash tags or names on social media. This includes twitter names, IG names and facebook pseudonyms.

All of these are probably ratchet:

Most or All members of #twerkteam

Gazabarbie Willtakeyourman” on FB

ANYONE who drops that dun tha dun.

Miley Cyrus.

But don’t take my word for it…

ratchet name good

blog ratchet

blog ratchet girl

really ratch

3) In many places, 1 in 5 people are probably ratchet, but there are the few places where 5 in 5 people are ratchet. If you are in one of these places where there’s ratchet everywhere, and your grandma is ratchet too, you might wanna move.

4) Remember that everyone’s definition of ratchet is is different.

To some, ratchet is:

ratchet hair

To others. it consists of:

ratchet fighting

Or

ratchet bieber

Find out what your definition is, the definitions of the people around you, and urban dictionary’s definitions, and avoid them at all costs.

Perhaps everyone has the ability to get a little ratchet at times. But, as long as you don’t act like you’re on reality TV  you can be sure you are at the bottom of the ratchet spectrum.

*You’re welcome*

she ratchet

It’s Called Fall

Welcome back to school. It’s the Fall semester. On the syllabus? Fresh classes, unpredictable weather, “cuffing” season and fresh meat.

So you thought this semester was going to be your best semester yet…. “Good grades, clean room, exercise- I’m getting my life together!”

blog lol

We have determined that is a lie.

It’s the fourth week of school and you’re probably ready to resign to living a poor and lowly life if you quit now. But, it’s a necessary evil to get that coveted Bachelor’s degree. As you look around campus, you’ll probably see bright eyes, bushy tailed new freshmen, girls who dress in heels and strut in this concrete and grass jungle, filled with gnats like it is a runway.

But regardless, coming back to school makes you regret missing it in the summer.

Here are some things you probably saw or experienced:

1) Fresh fall semester freshmen

They stand out.

blog freshmen

To freshmen, this is a great new experience and a great new school with great new people and great new teachers.

As a veteran in your school, sometimes the actions of the freshmen might make you roll your eyes (of course you once did this too, but it now seems so stupid).

They run to class when they’re a minute late. You stroll almost backward when you’re 20 mins late.

They actually stand in line to go in the caf. You scan the long line for your friends -or any familiar face- and not-so-conspicuously say “hey bae!” and go stand by them.

They giggle when a girl or guy (especially “greek”) talks to them. And you’re there like:

blog new

2) Annoying, evil, borderline Beelzebub  teachers.

There is at least one teacher each semester who is just so extra. We all know THAT teacher, where everyone thinks, seriously, is homework the first day of class really necessary? Or buying a textbook, a notebook, a workbook AND an online code??

Like….

blog Or nah

By the end of the semester, after you’ve done 2 presentations, 3 papers, 3 quizzes and 2 tests, and she’s there telling you about a 15 page paper due the day of her “cumulative” (evil word) final exam, you’ll probably decide never to take any of her classes again.

Psyche, she is the only teacher that teaches at least 3 classes you must take to finish your major.

blog bruh

3) Finally, the group you are probably with- the slackers.

You know it and I know it. While everyone is buying all their books, slackers think:

blog textbooks

They’ll probably be the ones whispering in your ears during class “hey, could I see in your book?”

Or the ones who come minutes before a take home test is due and say “sooooooo. You finished your test…. or nah?”

If you’re reading this, classmate. Yes, I’m talking about you.

Slackers can be described as students who just barely hang on in the class. They do the bare minimum.

blog slacker

I know that life. I’m a reformed slacker.

Surprisingly, though, slackers either still pass the class or excel everyone else by combining all the information gathered from different classmates over the semester. They’re (and by they, I mean we’re) geniuses, really.

blog troll

So whatever it is you’re doing this semester- pouncing on freshmen or being one, slacking off in class or dealing with annoying teachers, remember to put your priorities in order to complete this semester stronger than ever!

blog laundry

Summer School Blues

Welcome to Summer School…..

Probably the closest thing to hell you’ll experience this year.

 

So you failed a class and are now being forced to go to summer school. Yeah, you, with that pitiful look in your eyes as you drag your sandal-covered feet around in 95 degree (F) weather.

I feel bad for you son.

Everyone’s all like:

summer time gif

 

And you’re here like…

britney spears gif

 

Well, perhaps it didn’t happen that way. Maybe you needed to bring up your grades or need to take extra classes to put you at the status you want to be at in school.

So is there anyway to retain your dignity and cool-ness during this hot summer? Yes, yes there is.

Here’s how to Survive the Summer.

 

1) Don’t give up hope.

Leaving your dorm every day can be annoying, especially leaving the ultra-cool temperature of the inside and stepping out into the clear, wavering steam rising from the ground. Don’t turn and go back inside…. Don’t lay down and wait for death either…. it will be OK. Just get to class, and chances are, there’ll be AC there! No need to worry until the next time you need to step outside. In like…. 2 hours.

Repeat happy thoughts 5 times a day, and it’ll help you be strong.

come at me Got gif

2) “Put away all sharp objects”

This is the first piece of advice my friend gave me when he heard that I was spending summer at school.

Truth is…. I’ve only been here three days and I already want to kill myself. The loneliness of being in school when your friends aren’t here, and the growing despair of knowing that including summer school, you’ll spend like 10 months out of 12 in school, is gag-worthy.

But hold it in! Cuz, once you clear your room of knives, scissors and sharp paper, there’ll be no temptation to end it. Stay strong, love. You’ll survive.

I will survive gif

3) Make a friend.

That weird guy you used to see lurking around during the Spring semester may just be your new bestie! Or bff…. forevs.

That’s how summer school works. You might meet the most unlikely of friends because of necessity. Cheer up, the friendship may only last 6-8 weeks. It’s not THAT bad….. Unless it is.

The main thing to remember is that your standard of what you look for in friends will undoubtedly drastically decrease this summer…. In fact, you may have no standards at all. I don’t advise this, so I’ve made a little list of what you should look for, accept and stay away from when making friends this summer.

Summer friend flowchart

Unfortunately, issues such as if the person has a B.O doesn’t matter during times of desperation. Throw some scented hand sanitizer at them and call it a day.

Tell me how you are surviving summer school in the comments below!

 

How to not die during final exams

So it’s that time of the year again: when schools decide to revolt against the student population and gain revenge for all our insubordination over the past few months.

Someone somewhere is having an evil laugh as he repays us for walking on the well-manicured grass, or missing that 8:00 AM class for like 4 weeks in a row, or even, for messing up that caf table after someone just cleaned it.

 

This is…. Sparta.

Sparta-kick gif

 

Who will survive?

Well, here are some simple tips on how to NOT die during final exams. P.s- these are not 100% foolproof. If you die, don’t sue.

1) Monitor your eating

If you’re like me, you stress eat during final exams. Fruits and veggies? Not the most readily available, so you grab the cheetos and the chips, the chocolate and the candy. These foods calm your nerves while fattening your arteries.

You’ll probably die soon if you keep it up.

You’re welcome.

 

2) Do a relaxing activity.

By this, I do not mean like overdosing on alcohol or drugs. Cuz then you’ll have to go to the hospital and miss your exams (which in hindsight sounds quite OK…. but it’s not! I promise it’s not….), and then you’ll owe the hospital thousands of dollars, have to drop out of school and sell your body, then probably hit on a police officer, go to jail and we all know what happens in jail……………………

 

No internet. *Oh the Horror!*

 

where am i gif

 

But by relaxing, I mean, go play a sport for fun with your friends- a volleyball game or basketball. Perhaps, go for ice-cream at Haagen Dazs… *dribbles,* or, go watch a movie. Take a small break from studying and do something to keep the stress at bay.

 

3) Sleep Well.

This is the season of all-nighters. And because of this, we tend to not catch up on those 8 hours we missed, and then sleepiness kicks in during the exam (Cruel fate!).

I’m sure statistics somewhere show that if you don’t sleep, you die.

So to avoid this, sleep.

It is that simple.

 

4) Load up on excuses

If stress doesn’t kill you, your parents probably will.

angry parents gif

So if you want to outlive the wrath of your parents for those horrific grades you know you’re going to make, better load up on excuses.

Research excuses for this time of year. We all know the grades probably not going to be up to par, and parents are probably GONNA ask you how you did. Now, I’m not advocating lying, as much as I’m advocating outwitting. Everyone has a piece of lawyer in them (This should especially be easy for law students).

 

“Unfortunately mother, my professor bombarded me with information that I didn’t see in my 24 hours of studying for this class. Due to this conundrum, I was unable to attain a valid grade in this drastically unfortunate class”

OR

“Ma! Everyone failed, and you know if everyone failed, it CAN’T be our fault……. ”

evil-laugh- gif

 

SO, remember:

Final exams is about survival of the smartest, but it doesn’t necessarily mean book-smarts. Get with these street-smarts and live long and…… well….. you’re probably not gonna prosper.

beggar gif

Especially since you’re on the internet now instead of studying!

That is all.

Hope you enjoyed this post. Like and share or drop a comment below!

All the best!

You don’t know Awkward until you’ve seen this.

Ever been in a situation where you wanted to hide or blast yourself into oblivion?

I’m a really awkward person, I know, it’s just in my DNA, but let’s face it, everyone has been in a semi-awkward or Very awkward situation that made them want to do this:

hiding gif

 

So what is awkward really (for people who have no shame, and even for those who are like me)?

Awkward is….

1) When a high five goes wrong.

Have you ever walked by someone you kinda know, and he raises his hand for a high five, and after debating with yourself whether you should or not, you decide to just be nice?

You put up your hand for the high five, halfway smiling…

 

awkward high 5 gif

 

When someone comes from behind you and high-fives the guy?

 

2) Falling.

Now, falling in a public place….

embarrassing.

Falling in front of a crush in a cute new dress you just bought that hiked up and showed your bum?

Disappear into misery.

Especially when they stare at you pitifully to make sure you’re OK.

 

woman falling gif

That’s right, you did that on purpose! Cuz you meant to sprain your ankle.

3) Conversations with people you hardly know.

My more social friends encouraged me to go speak to this woman. I told them I was awkward, but did they listen? Nooooo.

 

SO I  boldly went up to her.,.. and this is what happened:

Me: Hey, how are you??

Woman: Good! How you doing?

Me: Good, good!

*Awkward silence where we looked at each other and smiled politely while slightly nodding our heads*

Until I just backed away slowly into darkness.

Lurking gif

 

Awkward Much?

 

4) Going against the grain

Truth is people, if everyone else is experiencing something bad and you’re experiencing something good, just don’t bring it up. Although sometimes your hand is forced.

So there’s a huge group of women standing on the street in front of the U.S embassy office, all complaining about not receiving their Visas, thus rendering them unable to travel to the U.S.

Here am I 5 feet away, with a Student Visa that I just received.

Conversation is becoming heated “yea, I didn’t get my Visa!” “Me either! They doh like me!” “Girl, I’ve been trying for years,” “I feel they not giving anybody today, nobody I know get it!”

I stood as still as possible, but just wasn’t invisible enough, because the hawks turned to me… “You get your visa?”

I fidgeted. “Yea,” I squeaked.

AWKWARD.

(Needless to say I received some dirty looks)

dirty looks gif

 

5) Wrong confession

Not sure why this is such a fad, but people like to confide ambiguous secrets to their friends.

“Hey… so I like this person and I’m not sure if I should tell her if  I like her. What do you think?”

Well at this point, some hearts bundle up with unspeakable joy, and perhaps they get ahead of themselves a bit too quickly. So they respond:

“Really?! You don’t have to pretend anymore……. I like you too. I’ve always liked you!”

And awkwardness ensued…

Now, the first confessor has to set things straight…

” oh…. well unfortunately I don’t feel the same… I like Shanquaisha-leandraishay, not you.

 

embarrassing gif

 

#youawkwardornah?

or for my trinis:

#yuhawksowah?

Comment below and tell me the most awkward situation you’ve been in!

Like and Share if you enjoyed! 🙂

 

Male Perceptions of Women: How to deal.

So you just shaved cousin IT off of your legs….

What next?

In this post, we’re gonna delve a little into male perceptions about women.

Women are expected to look, smell and be good. Well sometimes, we just like to not bathe and put our smelly feet up on the table. And why not?!

So here are some tips on how to deal with male’s  perceptions on women.

1) Reason with them

I know what you’re thinking: “we can’t reason with each other! Because  men and women are like fire and ice.”

That’s not necessarily true. It is always said that men are all about logic, well, meet them there.

“Oh hey baby, are you gonna shave that forest under your arms”

“What are you tryna say, boo? You don’t like underarm hair? What, you don’t like puberty?  Oh, oh, so you a paedophile or nuh?”

Logic’d.

hairy woman2

2) Strike a deal

So this random guy tells you that he hates when women pull down their skirts or dresses. Don’t even deny it, you either said it or know someone who did.

Well say “sure, I will never pull down my skirt again, but you know what? I hate when guys grab themselves in public. You stop and I will”

Not so easy now is it guys?

You need to know the guy for this one, girls. You need to know what manly habit he does in public, so you can actively strike a deal that will either be too hard for him to live up to, and then everyone could go back to their happy pathetic, but free lives,  or you can benefit from the deal.

Know what I mean? 😉

3) Be an “Angry Feminist” Or whatever

Enter into this long spiel about women’s rights and other important issues. Tell him about the importance of women in society and the unfair partisan society we have to live in where we are rigidly judged and expected to live up to media’s definition of what women should be.

Then tell him about his mother. See if he likes that!

4) Ignore till it hurts

This is by far the best way to deal with biased male perceptions. So that guy going on about the fact that Eve was a curse to humanity because she was a woman. Yeah, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Walk Away.

“Bu-but wait, aren’t you gonna give me your number? I did help you out 3 weeks ago.”

Boy, bye!

Now, I wouldn’t be very fair if I didn’t list the positive things guys do, would I?

Well, have a great day!

Drop a comment below.

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The art of Properly Dissing Someone: Do you know how to do it?

Face it, we all get into verbal world wars, and have to stake our intellectual and personal claim. In other words, at times, people “be trippin'” and you gotta tell it like it is.

And since I tell it like it is, I’m gonna list some ways you can defeat a colleague in a verbal argument.

How To Diss.

 

1)Speak above Their Intellectual Level

This is the best way to diss someone because essentially, when it comes down to the nitty gritty of the matter, what you’re really saying is “You stoopid.”

Examples:

Hello Kind Sir, the philanthropist of your X chromosome is a harlot from the ancient world.

Friend, your fellow colleagues are undoubtedly abnegating you because of your inability to transcend the understanding of fundamental phenomena and be anything but ostentatious about the strata of intellect you actually do not possess.

 

stupid

 

Remember though, that you can’t outwit someone who has a higher mental capacity than you. In other words, if you’re “stupid-er” than the person you are trying to diss, just skip to the next step.

 

2) Get Loud

Embarrassment is real. Regardless of who is right in the situation, or who is winning, the louder person gets all the “ooooooooo’s.”So, the person who just spoke about your weight being equivalent to a mammoth will be defeated if you just raise your voice and say “Yea, well, you’re ugly!!”

This isn’t nice, but of course, when are battles ever?

 bazinga gif

 

3) Yo Momma

This is by far, the most popular form of disses known. My theory is, everyone already knows the basic “yo momma so fat” jokes.

The trick to making a successful yo momma joke is to repeat your rival’s diss, but just add yo momma to the front of it:

Example:

“You’re stupid”

“Yo momma is stupid”

10 points for Griffindor!

yo momma2

If your rival’s diss is a “yo momma” joke, then well, you’re on your own.

4) Get ratchet.

If all else fails, and sometimes it does, you can just get rachet. Being rachet entails using all the black American vernacular you know and spewing them out. It’s like being ghetto, but not so racist sounding.

“I’m TOO grown for you basic h*es. ”

“Guuuuurllll, you ain’t real!”

“Uh uh, play. with. me.”

“Fix yo tracks before stepping to me”

These are all acceptable disses, however this tip is like the first: you cannot use these disses on someone who is better at it than you. Chances are if she’s wearing huge gold and purple earrings, with fake eyelashes and she looks threatening, she’s probably better at being rachet than you.

 

rachet gif

Hence, Don’t use the rachet path with her!

 

P.S, I do not advocate fighting. Walking away is a perfectly fine way to deal with these situations. Ensure that you know what you’re getting into.

#youmadbro

Leave a comment telling me how you deal with being dissed and tactics you use.

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