Tag Archives: funny

How to Tell if You’re Ratchet

There are two simple steps to becoming ratchet:

1) Turn off your ability to be ashamed

2) Watch more reality TV

In any order.

These days, the word “ratchet” is being thrown about quite often, and some people are confused… What is this ratchet, they think to themselves, and is they contagious?

The truth about the matter is no one really thinks they are ratchet. They see other people and are positive they have identified the personification of ratchet, but refuse to see themselves as a part of the team.

So how do you go about identifying ratchet people or ensuring that you stay out of that subset of people?

Maybe you thought only black people were ratchet?

nope

1) First, realize that ratchet-ness transcends skin color. People can be white and ratchet, yellow (shout out to my ratchet Asian friend), team lightandbrightskinned or team nubianqueen and ratchet.

2) Look at their/ your hash tags or names on social media. This includes twitter names, IG names and facebook pseudonyms.

All of these are probably ratchet:

Most or All members of #twerkteam

Gazabarbie Willtakeyourman” on FB

ANYONE who drops that dun tha dun.

Miley Cyrus.

But don’t take my word for it…

ratchet name good

blog ratchet

blog ratchet girl

really ratch

3) In many places, 1 in 5 people are probably ratchet, but there are the few places where 5 in 5 people are ratchet. If you are in one of these places where there’s ratchet everywhere, and your grandma is ratchet too, you might wanna move.

4) Remember that everyone’s definition of ratchet is is different.

To some, ratchet is:

ratchet hair

To others. it consists of:

ratchet fighting

Or

ratchet bieber

Find out what your definition is, the definitions of the people around you, and urban dictionary’s definitions, and avoid them at all costs.

Perhaps everyone has the ability to get a little ratchet at times. But, as long as you don’t act like you’re on reality TV  you can be sure you are at the bottom of the ratchet spectrum.

*You’re welcome*

she ratchet

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Summer School Blues

Welcome to Summer School…..

Probably the closest thing to hell you’ll experience this year.

 

So you failed a class and are now being forced to go to summer school. Yeah, you, with that pitiful look in your eyes as you drag your sandal-covered feet around in 95 degree (F) weather.

I feel bad for you son.

Everyone’s all like:

summer time gif

 

And you’re here like…

britney spears gif

 

Well, perhaps it didn’t happen that way. Maybe you needed to bring up your grades or need to take extra classes to put you at the status you want to be at in school.

So is there anyway to retain your dignity and cool-ness during this hot summer? Yes, yes there is.

Here’s how to Survive the Summer.

 

1) Don’t give up hope.

Leaving your dorm every day can be annoying, especially leaving the ultra-cool temperature of the inside and stepping out into the clear, wavering steam rising from the ground. Don’t turn and go back inside…. Don’t lay down and wait for death either…. it will be OK. Just get to class, and chances are, there’ll be AC there! No need to worry until the next time you need to step outside. In like…. 2 hours.

Repeat happy thoughts 5 times a day, and it’ll help you be strong.

come at me Got gif

2) “Put away all sharp objects”

This is the first piece of advice my friend gave me when he heard that I was spending summer at school.

Truth is…. I’ve only been here three days and I already want to kill myself. The loneliness of being in school when your friends aren’t here, and the growing despair of knowing that including summer school, you’ll spend like 10 months out of 12 in school, is gag-worthy.

But hold it in! Cuz, once you clear your room of knives, scissors and sharp paper, there’ll be no temptation to end it. Stay strong, love. You’ll survive.

I will survive gif

3) Make a friend.

That weird guy you used to see lurking around during the Spring semester may just be your new bestie! Or bff…. forevs.

That’s how summer school works. You might meet the most unlikely of friends because of necessity. Cheer up, the friendship may only last 6-8 weeks. It’s not THAT bad….. Unless it is.

The main thing to remember is that your standard of what you look for in friends will undoubtedly drastically decrease this summer…. In fact, you may have no standards at all. I don’t advise this, so I’ve made a little list of what you should look for, accept and stay away from when making friends this summer.

Summer friend flowchart

Unfortunately, issues such as if the person has a B.O doesn’t matter during times of desperation. Throw some scented hand sanitizer at them and call it a day.

Tell me how you are surviving summer school in the comments below!

 

You don’t know Awkward until you’ve seen this.

Ever been in a situation where you wanted to hide or blast yourself into oblivion?

I’m a really awkward person, I know, it’s just in my DNA, but let’s face it, everyone has been in a semi-awkward or Very awkward situation that made them want to do this:

hiding gif

 

So what is awkward really (for people who have no shame, and even for those who are like me)?

Awkward is….

1) When a high five goes wrong.

Have you ever walked by someone you kinda know, and he raises his hand for a high five, and after debating with yourself whether you should or not, you decide to just be nice?

You put up your hand for the high five, halfway smiling…

 

awkward high 5 gif

 

When someone comes from behind you and high-fives the guy?

 

2) Falling.

Now, falling in a public place….

embarrassing.

Falling in front of a crush in a cute new dress you just bought that hiked up and showed your bum?

Disappear into misery.

Especially when they stare at you pitifully to make sure you’re OK.

 

woman falling gif

That’s right, you did that on purpose! Cuz you meant to sprain your ankle.

3) Conversations with people you hardly know.

My more social friends encouraged me to go speak to this woman. I told them I was awkward, but did they listen? Nooooo.

 

SO I  boldly went up to her.,.. and this is what happened:

Me: Hey, how are you??

Woman: Good! How you doing?

Me: Good, good!

*Awkward silence where we looked at each other and smiled politely while slightly nodding our heads*

Until I just backed away slowly into darkness.

Lurking gif

 

Awkward Much?

 

4) Going against the grain

Truth is people, if everyone else is experiencing something bad and you’re experiencing something good, just don’t bring it up. Although sometimes your hand is forced.

So there’s a huge group of women standing on the street in front of the U.S embassy office, all complaining about not receiving their Visas, thus rendering them unable to travel to the U.S.

Here am I 5 feet away, with a Student Visa that I just received.

Conversation is becoming heated “yea, I didn’t get my Visa!” “Me either! They doh like me!” “Girl, I’ve been trying for years,” “I feel they not giving anybody today, nobody I know get it!”

I stood as still as possible, but just wasn’t invisible enough, because the hawks turned to me… “You get your visa?”

I fidgeted. “Yea,” I squeaked.

AWKWARD.

(Needless to say I received some dirty looks)

dirty looks gif

 

5) Wrong confession

Not sure why this is such a fad, but people like to confide ambiguous secrets to their friends.

“Hey… so I like this person and I’m not sure if I should tell her if  I like her. What do you think?”

Well at this point, some hearts bundle up with unspeakable joy, and perhaps they get ahead of themselves a bit too quickly. So they respond:

“Really?! You don’t have to pretend anymore……. I like you too. I’ve always liked you!”

And awkwardness ensued…

Now, the first confessor has to set things straight…

” oh…. well unfortunately I don’t feel the same… I like Shanquaisha-leandraishay, not you.

 

embarrassing gif

 

#youawkwardornah?

or for my trinis:

#yuhawksowah?

Comment below and tell me the most awkward situation you’ve been in!

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The art of Properly Dissing Someone: Do you know how to do it?

Face it, we all get into verbal world wars, and have to stake our intellectual and personal claim. In other words, at times, people “be trippin'” and you gotta tell it like it is.

And since I tell it like it is, I’m gonna list some ways you can defeat a colleague in a verbal argument.

How To Diss.

 

1)Speak above Their Intellectual Level

This is the best way to diss someone because essentially, when it comes down to the nitty gritty of the matter, what you’re really saying is “You stoopid.”

Examples:

Hello Kind Sir, the philanthropist of your X chromosome is a harlot from the ancient world.

Friend, your fellow colleagues are undoubtedly abnegating you because of your inability to transcend the understanding of fundamental phenomena and be anything but ostentatious about the strata of intellect you actually do not possess.

 

stupid

 

Remember though, that you can’t outwit someone who has a higher mental capacity than you. In other words, if you’re “stupid-er” than the person you are trying to diss, just skip to the next step.

 

2) Get Loud

Embarrassment is real. Regardless of who is right in the situation, or who is winning, the louder person gets all the “ooooooooo’s.”So, the person who just spoke about your weight being equivalent to a mammoth will be defeated if you just raise your voice and say “Yea, well, you’re ugly!!”

This isn’t nice, but of course, when are battles ever?

 bazinga gif

 

3) Yo Momma

This is by far, the most popular form of disses known. My theory is, everyone already knows the basic “yo momma so fat” jokes.

The trick to making a successful yo momma joke is to repeat your rival’s diss, but just add yo momma to the front of it:

Example:

“You’re stupid”

“Yo momma is stupid”

10 points for Griffindor!

yo momma2

If your rival’s diss is a “yo momma” joke, then well, you’re on your own.

4) Get ratchet.

If all else fails, and sometimes it does, you can just get rachet. Being rachet entails using all the black American vernacular you know and spewing them out. It’s like being ghetto, but not so racist sounding.

“I’m TOO grown for you basic h*es. ”

“Guuuuurllll, you ain’t real!”

“Uh uh, play. with. me.”

“Fix yo tracks before stepping to me”

These are all acceptable disses, however this tip is like the first: you cannot use these disses on someone who is better at it than you. Chances are if she’s wearing huge gold and purple earrings, with fake eyelashes and she looks threatening, she’s probably better at being rachet than you.

 

rachet gif

Hence, Don’t use the rachet path with her!

 

P.S, I do not advocate fighting. Walking away is a perfectly fine way to deal with these situations. Ensure that you know what you’re getting into.

#youmadbro

Leave a comment telling me how you deal with being dissed and tactics you use.

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How To Procrastinate: the guide to success

Ever completed an assignment long before it’s deadline, failed it, but passed the one you did the night before?

 

Be real, we’ve all done it: waited that night before to complete that 5 page complex research paper or poetry analysis.  Yeah… that.

Many people believe they work well under pressure, or at least are willing to admit that they’re too lazy to complete their assignments any time before the night before… when all creative juices flow. It is that precious night before that complex, authentic and poetic gold is created.

saw games

 

I’m just saying, if you’ve never procrastinated, you’ve never lived! The pure adrenalin knowing that the passing grade of this class depends on your success in the next few hours is equivalent to being the star character in a horror movie…. both end with you turning into a zombie ghost.

ghost gif

 

So, from my years of procrastination experience, here is some invaluable advice on how to successfully procrastinate and maintain that high level of work you do, you old chap.

First, Take a Nap. 

This is the most important step. You need to be well rested before completing any daunting body of work, I mean, in biology and health classes, the importance of rest is stressed right? So, really, by napping, you’re just looking out for your own physical and mental health. Don’t ask questions, just… just sleep.

You’re Welcome.

 

2) Know Your Skills:

Many people would say “well, he did it, so surely I can do it do right?”

Nah brahhhh.

Morpheus gif

 

Know what you’re good at. If writing is your thing, then procrastination on papers will work for you. If maths is yours, then that algebra homework due? Heh, that can be done during class babe. Don’t ever step out of your skills and try to do something you’re not good at last minute. You’re already tethering on failure. Don’t tip the boat.

Mario fail gif

3) Know your Body

I mean, you already took a nap right, so why do you need to know your body?

There’s a little word we (Trinidadians) like to call dropsy. It doesn’t matter when you take a nap, as long as you’re not a night person, chances are, you’ll fall asleep before all the fun, procrastination stuff starts happening… like midnight peanut butter binges, or mid morning song and dance sessions.

dance session gif

 

You may just be  a morning person, where you can wake up really early and concentrate better. If this is so, go strong sister!

Keep in mind, if you’re like me, the best ideas taunt you late at night. So knowing your body means knowing your brain also.

So what did we learn today?

Doing work on time…

ain't nobody got time for that

 

What other tips do you have on Procrastination? Share some in the comments below.

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#Thetruthis